As 2018 came to an end, I’m a little torn whether I want the year to end. Honestly, this wasn’t my shining year. It was filled with great highs and greater lows. I’m not one to ever say I want a do-over, but with 2018 I would like a do-over. There is a risk in that of course, I might not make the same mistakes as I did, and the ones I do make could be worse. Yes, even with my current situation I know it could be much worse.
I’m no longer a sunshine and rainbow person. I expect the worse and hope of the best, because whenever I try to be the positive little butterfly things just shatter like broken glass. Don’t worry, I won’t rain on any one’s parade but don’t ask me to smile because there is nothing I’m happy about. I’ve messed up my life, and at 46 I’m trying to glue the pieces back together, but I’m coming to the terrifying realization it will be impossible.
Every year in December I take a good hard look at my life and this year was no different well outside the crying, rocking back and forth, and wondering how I let myself fall into this situation. Oh…wait…I remember now…I was unhappy, and I didn’t like the life I was living. I made a change without a plan or talking with anyone, and that is where it all fell apart. Asking for help is difficult for me, and I don’t like burdening people with my problems. I figure, everyone has their own and no one wants to listen to mine.
However, once I wipe the tears away I realize that some of those mistakes lead me to where I am now:
- I have a job that I love and, without a degree or any experience, I’m really good at.
- I found a roommate who is a good guy and likes my cats.
- I have food on the table.
- For the past 2-3 months, I haven’t had to pull money out of my savings to pay bills. I’m not putting money into my savings, but I’m breaking even. So that is a win in my books.
- I have my health, minus the whole knee thing.
The last point has lead to most of my unhappiness the past couple of months. Jiu-Jitsu has always been a significant part of my life. I pushed myself daily to be the best competitor I could be, but there was a cost: My body and my mind.
This month, I will be getting an MRI to see how much damage I have done to my knee and what will need to be done to repair it. I expect the worse, a ruptured ACL which will require surgery and a 6-9 months recovery period. If I’m lucky, there will be some fibers attached, and I can avoid surgery and get PRP. In this case, thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
I have suffered from tendinitis for the last 2-3 years. I use a variety of yoga, mobility and CBD oil to keep the pain at bay. Three months ago I dislocated my patella in my right knee. I’m not 100% sure how it happened, I didn’t have the guts to review the video, but all I remember is attempting to past my teammate’s open guard when my knee buckled. This benched me and gave me time to think, which despite a few good ideas really isn’t the best thing for me. I found a warm place in a deep dark hole and stayed there until I was literally dragged halfway out. That is where I remain, halfway in and halfway out, happy but sad. And in some strange way I have found solace there, and so I will remain.
But I’m not all doom and gloom because I going to make 2019 better than the last two years, and that won’t happen on its own. I have to make this happen. I have a lot I want to accomplish in 2019, but none will happen overnight. Some are big and will take all year to complete. Some will be completed in January. And some I’ve already started because resolutions start the moment you realize you want to make a change in your life.
- Like I said I have a lot I want to complete this year and that means time is of the essence. So, no more hitting the snooze. I started this in December, and as of today I’m 5 days in and doing well.
- Every Christmas I always get myself a small gift. This year I got myself diabetes so for the first ten days of January no sweets. If I can go longer, I might, but I need to detox. I am not counting my “brownies” as those are for medicinal purposes.
- Over the last six months, I haven’t had the time to write. I no longer have the luxury to set aside hours to write, but I can write at least 30 minutes every day. Again I started this in December.
- I had a goal to read 12 books in 2018. Honestly, that is a small number, and I didn’t even make it halfway. Again, I cannot sit around for hours and read, but I can read at least 30 minutes every day.
- My injury was proof no matter what I say or do; I’m not taking care of myself as well as I can. I haven’t seen a doctor, outside of getting sick, for two years. At my age, that is a risk. I will have health insurance starting TODAY, so I’m going to get a wellness check (both physical and mental), as well as my eyes and teeth.
- I’m going to admit something I don’t often, but over the past 2-3 years, I have lived with pain in both knees. The best way I can describe it is a feeling of being tired, but it can be painful time to time. So once I have my results of my MRI, I’m getting my knee(s) fixed. I’m tired of living in pain and tired of making excuses because my knees hurt. If that means surgery (I pray not), PRP (figures crossed), PT (that would work too) plus acupuncture, I have to do it.
- I have this ‘honey to-do’ list and on that list is to complete my website. Obviously, I have a blog, but I want to turn this into a site that will comprise all of my writing, from my blog to my fiction.
- I have two books that have been work in progress for over a year, but this year they will be completed and published. See #3 as to how I will do this.
- My knee injury has made me realize that sadly I can no longer compete against larger, stronger and younger opponents. At some point, I have to put my health ahead of my ego. The question that I’ve asked myself over the past months is, is there more to jiu-jitsu than just competing? If I no longer compete will I still be relevant? I don’t have the answer to those questions. I know I will never be the best in the world, hell at this rate I might never get my black belt. What has become important is being the best 100-pound, 5 foot, 46-year-old brown belt I can be. God willing, I will still be able to teach the kids and focus on improving my self-defense.
- Lastly, I will stop being so hard on myself. I’m not perfect nor the greatest human, but I’m not the horrible evil person I paint myself to be. I will give myself a break time to time, love myself more, put my wellbeing before anyone else and fuck anyone who doesn’t like that. Not really sorry but I lost all the ‘f*cks’ I had to give sometime around December. If you find them, keep them.
Yes, it seems a very ambitious but I’m not one to make anything easy. I enjoy a challenge, and I do have 12 months to complete all of this besides I’ve already started a few. The only thing I hope for in 2019 is peace and healing. Not only for myself but for my friends and family. Oh, and legalize weed. Happy New Year!